The Super Secret Not-Diary of Alfred F Jones
by Femme aux Mille Visages
Summary: How you spend a morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. From this, we can conclude that Alfred F. Jones leads a life that is equal parts disastrous, brave, and entertaining, because he starts every day with British food for breakfast.
1. Chapter 1

The Super Secret Not-Diary of Alfred F. Jones

September 5

I really hate my English teacher. I got a C on my paper today and Mattie shot me this really smug look when I saw the big A- printed on the top of his. Asshole. I mean, yeah, I'm a little embarrassed that he's doing better than I am in all of my classes except for chem and gym, but whatever. I made sure to punch him on the way out the door.

Later

Got detention for punching Mattie. Father's going to kill me.

Later Again

Dear God, one more day of cafeteria food and I'm actually going to vomit. I'm all for greasy, deep fried food-give me fries and burgers any day of the week over keenwa or Dad's cooking. But seriously, those heat-lamp-warmed chicken fingers look like they'd give someone cancer.

According to Mattie the English genius, it's spelled quinoa. Who the hell spells a word like that anyway?

Nearly fell asleep in math class today. Thank god Kiku poked me awake before Sir Nazi (our teacher) yelled me awake.

_You really shouldn't call him that just because he's German-Kiku_

Well if he didn't want to be called a Nazi, he shouldn't act like one.

_You really need to learn to be more polite and accepting of other cultures-Kiku_

What, you think if I act more respectful towards him or something my grade in math will magically improve?

_No, but if you paid attention more it might-Kiku_

Fuck you, man.

Later Again

Football practiced sucked. The field was muddy, we couldn't catch for shit, and there's a new kid on the team, Ivan somethingRussianorother. God, I don't know why, but I really hate the kid.

_You know, sometimes you can be a real xenophobe, Al-Kiku_

...I'm a musical instrument used by preschoolers?

_Not a xylophone, Al, a xenophobe. You know, someone who hates or is afraid of foreigners-Kiku_

I'm not afraid of foreigners! I was raised by two immigrants! Plus I'm friends with you!

_Yeah, after we spent most of freshman year arguing-Kiku_

Whatever. Dude, I don't have a problem with him because he's foreign, I have a problem with him because he kept looking at my ass in the locker room with those creepy purple eyes of his!

No response from Kiku. Huh. Wonder if I pissed him off or something. But he looked more...I don't know, exasperated? than angry.

Later Yet Again

I'm pretty sure if there is a god in this world, he must be trying to kill me. No non-evil god would make me eat cafeteria chicken fingers and Father's cooking in the same day, right? Right?

Later-in the bathroom

Apparently they would.

Later-back at dinner

After what will henceforth be referred to as the Fish Fingers Fiasco, dinner conversation reconvened. Papa and Mattie started speaking French again-Papa never really forgave me for never learning the language, although Father was so happy he let me eat dessert every day for a week and a half. I hate it when they do that, I hate feeling dumb. So does Father, apparently, because he started to tell this "wonderfully amusing" story about the time he and Papa went to Amsterdam and Papa got drunk off of absinthe and went running around in only his boxers before Father found him three hours later passed out in a fountain. I feel like throwing up again at the thought of Papa in his boxers, but at least it shut him and Mattie-_Matt, my name is Matt!-_MATTIE up again.

Dinner took a turn for the disastrous when Papa decided to even the playing field by giving us the Talk over dinner. Who cares that we had that Talk when we were eleven! And again in eighth grade health class! It makes Father uncomfortable! So he started talking about the importance of using your mouth in foreplay, which freaked me the fuck out because who wants to hear about their _parents_ having _sex. _Anyway, so I started yelling really loudly so I didn't have to hear anymore, and then Papa yelled at Father about teaching his children body shame, and Father went all red and mumbled something about me not talking back to Papa. So I was stuck with dish duty by myself tonight. I would have flipped Mattie the bird if he hadn't had to endure the rest of the conversation with Papa and Father by himself. Sometimes I pity the dude for being the quiet one.

Later-doing homework

C2H6 + O2 - H2O + CO2

Reading the first act of Oedpius Rex. This shit is messed up.

Mattie came to ask me for help with the precalculus homework-point for me!

...okay, I can't really do it either.

I would kill for a cookie and the newest Batman comic right now.


	2. Chapter 2

September 6

Father's cooking breakfast-we had what could loosely be defined as "sausage." Father calls it "pudding," which confuses me to no end because last time I checked, pudding came in cups and flavors like chocolate and butterscotch. That would be a lot better for breakfast, believe me. There was also a side of some of the runniest eggs I've ever eaten, with little bits of toast to dunk into the yolk. Supposedly. Father calls it eggs and soldiers, I call it how to start the morning off miserable. Papa also looked a little green in the face, especially since it's before eight in the morning and he hasn't even had time to finish a cup of coffee yet. Time to get out of the house-I made up some excuse about having a project to work on with Kiku and Mattie and I were both excused early. Papa gave us five bucks each and told us to go buy a muffin or something.

Later-in chemistry class

The only reason I actually pay attention in this class is because of the teacher. She is 100 % gorgeous. Seriously, are her boobs D's or DD's? I don't know, but whatever they are I'm grateful for them, because whenever we get a right answer, she claps her hands together and they bounce. God bless unsupportive bras.

_You're a douchebag-Kiku_

Yeah, yeah, I'm a terrible specimen of the human race, what else is new?

Later-in English class

Still reading this stupid Oedipus Rex thing. God, this guy was fucked up. Big time. How the hell am I supposed to write a paper about this? It's just this guy who kills his own father and then has sex with his mother. Ew. Gross. Gross gross gross. But apparently this is deep and meaningful and all that other bullshit. Plus it's part of the state required curriculum.

_You know, Oedipus Rex was the basis of a lot of the theories of Sigmund Freud-Kiku_

Who the hell is Sigmund Freud?

_Never mind, you cultureless cretin-Kiku_

What's a cretin?

_Case in point-Kiku_

Whatever, dude.

Later-at lunch

Burger day! Score! Even better they had cheeseburgers with extra pickles. I had three and Mattie and Kiku were looking at me with such disgust I thought they were going to throw up. I told them that good cafeteria food comes along once in a lifetime and you have to eat it before it's too late. Both shook their heads at me disgustedly. Cute cheerleader from the party last weekend came over and said hi to me. Father says parties are the reason I'm nearly failing English-he says I butcher the language, just like Papa. Papa says that social interaction is important for teenagers. Reason number 341 why Papa is my favorite parent. Okay, not really, I love them both, but Papa is definitely the fun parent. Day is looking up.

Later-in Spanish class

Spanish, one of the few subjects I'm actually good at. Also one of the few I don't take with Mattie-he takes French. Personally I think that's cheating, because he's bilingual-thank Papa for that, but Father was so happy that I decided to challenge myself with learning a new language I didn't have the heart to tell him that thanks to Uncle Antonio, I'm very nearly bilingual myself. Father doesn't think I spend nearly enough time on my studies, so coming home with an A on every Spanish test is always a sure way to make him happy. Of course, next to Mattie's 114% average in French, a 93% looks kind of shitty, but I'll take whatever A's I can get. I'm sure not gonna get them in geography.

Later-after football practice

Life is good. My passes were perfect. The ground was dry. Coach didn't even make us run sprints! Plus, we were doing practice tackles and I got to pound the new kid Ivan into the ground. Cheerleader practice was right on the opposite field and the girl who said hi to me at lunch waved when I was heading to the locker room. Mattie might be the smart one, sure, but out here, I'm king and Mattie is just the little guy in the bleachers.

Later-in the library

I swear to God I'm going to kill Kiku for making me come in here. It smells all musty, like mothballs, and even the librarian did a double take when she saw me. I found Kiku in the computer lab, hunched over his AP US History textbook. It was kind of cute-he kept mumbling and scribbling frantically. Must have some kind of test coming up. I poked him in the shoulder, and he looked so startled I couldn't help laughing a little. I was promptly shushed by what felt like half the entire library, who I almost flipped off before Kiku gave me the death glare. Usually, he's about as scary as a teddy bear but when he glares you do what he tells you. Probably doesn't want to get a library ban. I did my exaggerated shoulder slump of disappointment, and he eased up on the glare and told me we could go. I carried most of his textbooks for him-there were like 36 and Kiku's definitely not strong enough to carry all of them by himself. Hero to the rescue!

Later-at dinner

Papa's night to cook, thank god. We had pancakes stuffed with cheese and vegetables, and then potatoes cut thinly layered with cream and cheese, and giant parfaits of chocolate and cream and raspberries. Disappointing lack of meat on the table, which means that there weren't any premium cuts at the market-Papa is so picky about having everything be high end-but Papa did promise that his next night to cook we'll have buff borgineeon, which is essentially meat and wine. Father complained all dinner long about Papa's cooking (apparently it's 'over-seasoned') but they weren't really fighting.

_It's spelled "boeuf bourguignonne" -Matt_

Shut up, do you speak any Spanish?

Later-before bed

Heard Mattie talking on the phone with someone and laughing-does Mattie have a girlfriend?


	3. Chapter 3

September 8

So I haven't been writing lately because I've been sick with the flu. This sucks balls.

Later

Mattie was kind enough to lend me one of his movies.

Later

THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY THERE ARE GHOSTS EVERYWHERE HOW DOES MATTIE EVEN WATCH THIS

Later

Apparently, the fact that I was sick and trippy as all get out after that movie was not a good excuse to call Kiku during the school day. He threatened to put me on speakerphone the next time I did that so everyone could hear me "cry like a baby." Please. I don't cry, I give out manly yells of justified horror. Or something.

Later

Papa made me soup today, booyabase, he called it. Make that "bouillabaisse." Honestly, how he and Mattie even speak this language is beyond me, because the spelling makes no sense. Actually, I think Father and Papa must be feeling bad that I've been sick for so long, because both of them told me I could get a raise in my allowance and go shopping after I'm better. Maybe I'll get that new video game Kiku bought a few weeks ago...

Wow. Father didn't object to "yet another infernal, time wasting, soul sucking object of little value and purpose in his household." Either I'm dying and they just don't want to tell me, or my parents have had brain transplants.

Later

Texted Mattie. Apparently brain transplants aren't a real thing.

OH GOD I'M DYING.

According to Kiku and Matthew, as well as both my parents, I'm not dying. I don't believe them.

Later

Found out from Kiku why, exactly, my parents are being so nice. Apparently, since I've been sick for a measly two days, the coach has seen fit to replace me with that creepy new Russian kid. Replace _me, _his star quarterback, with a kid who looks like he walked straight out of Stalin's personal army. Replace me.

OH GOD I'M DYING

Kiku says I'm being a drama queen and that I can earn my spot back once I'm back at school. Does he even understand what's happening to me? This is my _identity _being challenged here! And let it not be said that the great Alfred F. Jones-Kirkland-Bonnefoy backs down from a challenge!

Later

Well someone should warn me that cold medication makes you sleepy before I make impressive proclamations. Honestly, you'd think that these people didn't understand the appeal of football, the most American of sports!

Apparently, they don't understand the appeal of football, the most American of sports. How I am even related to these people is beyond me. Papa pointed out that I got Father's taste buds. I don't think the world would be so cruel as to unleash another cook like him on the world. I'll stick to burgers, thanks. I pointed out that if I got stuck with Father's sense of taste, then Matthew got stuck with Papa's girly hair, which nearly gave Papa an anyeursm-aniurism-stroke, and even Mattie looked offended. But they can't do anything because I'm sick.

Oh, right. I lost my position on the football team because I'm sick. This sucks.

Later

Kiku came over because apparently having the plague isn't a good enough reason not to do my homework. Can't a man die in peace?

Later Again

Oh thank god, he only brought chemistry and math. Subjects I'm actually good at, score! When I asked him why he didn't bring anything home for English or World History he just went all red and mumbled something about forgetting. When I brought it up to Mattie later, he just gave me this look and then told me the assignments. Like I'd do it anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

September 9

I'M BACK, BITCHES! 12 hours symptom free and that's enough for Father to allow me to attend school again. Papa wanted to keep me home for another day, and usually I'd side with him, but my place on the football team is in jeopardy! No way am I risking that! Still, I got out of eating scones for breakfast, pleading stomachache. God, why is Papa such a lazy ass about getting out of bed?

Later-in chemistry class

So Ms. Boobs_  
_

_you are such an asshole-Kiku_

Whatever dude-anyway, she taught us about electron bonding today and I ACTUALLY UNDERSTOOD IT. I have no idea how or why because it's not like I read the textbook but the only person in the class who got it faster than I did was Kiku because he's crazy smart and his parents are just plain crazy and make him learn everything ahead of time. Wow. If I were actually talking instead of writing right now I would have passed out from lack of breath. Seriously, like that Polish kid in Spanish class, it's like he is completely unfamiliar with any form of punctuation aside from question marks. How he doesn't die from asphyxiation-_$75 word right there-Kiku _on a daily basis is beyond me. Dude, that's at least worth $125. _$100-Kiku_

Later-at lunch

Reasons why I love today-two free periods and lunch. It's like the world wants me to be lazy. Lunch was some kind of unidentified meat in pasta sauce. Wasn't bad. Tasted slightly of hoof according to Kiku, which would have made even the strongest stomach churn, but protein is protein and beggars can't be choosers. I thought it tasted pretty bland actually.

Later-in math class

So Sir Nazi passed back our tests today-OH MY GOD. 93! That's even better than Mattie! I never get-huh. He wrote "see me" at the top of the paper. Wonder what all that's about

Later-after the meeting

Anyway, so I ditched Kiku and Mattie after class, told them I'd catch up later, and went to see Sir Nazi like he told me to. I nearly called him Sir Nazi to his face but cut myself off and just called him sir. (nice save, Al! go me!) So apparently he didn't think I cheated or anything (because apparently despite my "appalling manners, I have too ironclad a sense of ethics, along with a remarkably strong sense of honesty though a rather large deficit in personal responsibility," whatever that means. Seriously, dude could tighten things up. Thought all those Germans were supposed to be efficient. Anyway, so he told me that basically aside from Kiku I scored the highest in the class on a particularly challenging chapter of material, and he wanted me to take this engineering elective and do all those robotics competitions. So at first I was totally on board because I thought we'd get to build missiles and blow things up and stuff, but then it turns out it's really boring so I told him no. He gave me this really angry disappointed look, mumbling stuff about "wasted talents" and "lack of discipline, etc etc" (I've heard it all from teachers before.) At least he'll leave me alone now.

Later-after school

Football practice canceled today. Field flooded with sewage overrun from the septic tank. So we're not allowed to use the field for the next two weeks. Honestly? I'm going to kill myself. Probably a plot by that stupid Russian kid to kill us all. Commie bastard.

Later

Well. So apparently I was wrong and Mattie doesn't have a girlfriend. He has a boyfriend. I suppose I should have seen it coming-he's literally a mini Papa and Papa's the gayest man I know. And I know a lot of them. I mean, the dude speaks _French_, which is like the gayest language ever, and he cooks and draws in his spare time. Honestly, I shouldn't even have been surprised. Anyway, so I went looking for Mattie after school because I'd been waiting out in the parking lot for like an hour-IT WAS TEN MINUTES-whatever Mattie. God, why do people interrupt me even when I'm writing?

_It's a taste of your own medecine-Kiku_

So I ask Michelle if she's seen Mattie, and she told me he was heading off towards one of the old music rooms that no one uses any more. So I go down to the old music room and find Mattie making out with that albino German kid who's a year above us. Mattie turned about seven different shades of red, but all the German kid did was cackle like a crazy person. Seriously, that laugh is disturbing. He introduced himself as Gilbert, nephew of Sir Nazi the math teacher, and Mattie's boyfriend. I don't think I've ever heard the word "awesome" used so many times in one sentence, but he seems alright. I even offered him a lift home-no hard feelings, right? Poor Mattie just stared straight ahead the whole ride to Gilbert's house. Apparently he thought I'd be mad because he knows I don't like Sir Nazi. Bro, I'm not that bad-give me a little credit, k? I like Gilbert.

_Even though he's Prussian?_

Dude, I know he's not Russian. That's the creepy kid with the purple eyes. I know I'm not great with geography, but even I know he's German! I'm not stupid!

_Not Russian, Prussian. Idiot. Prussia is an empire that was dissolved after WWII. However, a lot of people still identify as "Prussian" rather than "German" because of the Berlin wall and the separation of East and West Germany._

So he's East German? Prussia and Russia sound a lot alike.

_Don't tell him that. He hates Russians as much as you do._

I think this could be the beginning of a handsome friendship.

_It's beautiful friendship._

Yeah, but that sounded really gay, and he's your boyfriend.

Later-at dinner

Rule number one of being a good older brother: never pass up an opportunity to humiliate your younger sibling, especially when it comes to their love life.

_Six minutes! Six minutes!_

Six minutes still means time passed. Therefore, I'm the older one, and it was my obligation to embarrass you at dinner.

Anyway, so what Mattie got all pissed about was me mentioning that I'd caught him making out with Gilbert in the music room. So of course Papa was over the moon, even threatening to send them some "French letters," asking how long they'd been dating, when they were going on the next date, and if Mattie would let him make reservations for the two of them at some fancy French restaurant. Father, on the other hand, just about blew a gasket. Well, first he almost died, went white as a sheet and forgot to breathe, then he shot through the roof. Yelling about how Matthew was "too young and innocent" to be dating. Papa pointed out that I've dated plenty of girls before, and then Father said Matthew is different. Papa asked if it was because he was gay, and Father rolled his eyes and told him how ridiculous that was (really, Papa, that was just ludecrou-ludicr-silly). But Father just kept saying that Matthew is _different, _and Matthew is not _allowed _to date, and I even I could see the shit storm coming.

Rule number two of being a good older brother: no one is allowed to pick on your sibling except you. No one. Not even your parents.

So of course, I, like the hero I am, swooped in and saved the day. I told Father to leave Mattie alone and that he could date whoever he damn well pleases (Papa had literal stars in his eyes by this point) and then heroically stormed out of the kitchen with Mattie in tow. I didn't even get grounded because Papa was so moved, score!

Later-after homework

Still, I guess I wonder what it's like to have a real girlfriend. Boyfriend, whatever. Like I've dated girls before but I've never _dated _a girl before. See what I mean? Like there's a difference between taking a girl out to dinner and then having sex in the back of your car

_You have SEX in the back of the CAR!? I SAT there today!-Mattie_

Hey! I'm writing deep thoughts in here!

_Yeah, right. You're an open book, Al, and the deepest thought you've ever had was about the limits of your stomach._

Yeah, yeah, very funny. Now kindly fuck off.

Huh. Wonder if I really am that easy to read. But I really do wonder if it's different to have someone really special. For that matter, I wonder if it's different with a guy. I should know, I'm surrounded by more gay couples than I think exist anywhere out of Paris and SoHo, but I can't help wondering. Does it feel different when you kiss?


End file.
